One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy
nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,

> HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
>
>
> Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
> country in the world, Mexifornia, form er ly known as California. White
> minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third
> language.
>
> Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
> livestock.
>
> Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

>
> The Senior Citizen Breakfast
>
> We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two
> eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
>
> "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
>
> "Then I'll have to charge you $2.49 because you're ordering a-la-carte
> the waitress warned her.
>
> "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked

Subject: Bad day

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

Can't Blame White People
by Bill Cosby

They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.
I can't even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain't,Where you is,
What he drive, Where he stay,
Where he work, Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk
Everybody knows it's important to speak English...

In Jamaica,N.Y. A great event--Turk was born.The world has not been the same since!Just thought ya oughta know..........

The Wonders Of Wives!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:

Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and Suffering.

The last fight was my fault.

My wife asked,"What' s on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman.

>>>
>> PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
>>>
>>>
>>> 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
>>>
>>> 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
>>>
>>> 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
>>>
>>> 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
>>>
>>> 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
>>>
>>> 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, buddy !!!!!! Never forget if there's something wrong-Anything at all-just blame Bush.That solves any Problem.Ask Clovis!

George Carlin's new rules for 2007 -

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a

If this doesn't open your eyes... nothing will!

From the L.A. Times

1. 40% of all workers in L.A. County ( L.A. County has 10.2 million people)

are working for cash and not paying taxes. This was because they are

predominantly illegal immigrants, working without a green card.

2. 95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens.

3. 75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles are illegal aliens.

>>>> "Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed. "Of course I won't laugh," the
>>>> doctor
>>>> said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at
>>>> a
>>>> patient." "Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
>>>> revealing the tiniest 'whoo.ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't
>>>> have
>>>> been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself,

Subject: FARMER AND THE NAGGING WIFE

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

Where is our ever charming Clipper?? Did Walmart finally buy her out??

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped